Your Intimate Relationship and Postpartum Changes: A Therapist's Perspective with Caitlyn Caldwell

Well, Valentine’s day is upon us.  If your are newly postpartum (or perhaps not so newly), Valentine’s day will probably look different this year, and may even seem irrelevant, but your intimate relationship with your spouse or partner certainly is not!  

My heart in supporting families through Sacred Journey Childbirth is to help them ride the waves of change that come with new parenthood and be both curious and open to the transformations that are taking place.

And this is the truth: your relationship is going to or has already changed.  Talking about how your romantic relationship will change is not something we can afford to place on the back burner. The Gottman Institute has conducted research on relationship satisfaction in the first 3 years postpartum and found that 67% of couples experienced relational dissatisfaction.  And while that number can feel very discouraging, it is helpful in showing us how important it is to do what we can to prepare for and continue to work through this major life transition as a couple so we can be part of the (hopefully growing) 33% who are doing well relationally.

To help talk about this challenging topic, I invited my friend, fellow mom, and LCSW, Caitlyn Caldwell, to share her insight.  

Let’s start by defining the postpartum period. Postpartum is not simply the period of time between when you have your baby and your 6 week OB appointment. This is something all partners should know.   At this 6 week appointment, mothers are often cleared to return to regular physical activity, including sex, but many will still be feeling very raw (in various ways) and unable to give to their partner with the demands of newborn care.  

So Caitlyn, what are realistic expectations around intimacy in the postpartum period?  What are important distinctions to be made between sex and intimacy?

First, remember that you should only be physically intimate with your partner when you feel ready during this period.  Your body has just been through a lot and will continue to be recovering and changing.  Be kind to it and take things slowly.  It's important to communicate this with your partner and to ask them to respect this as well.  

Intimacy can look like lying in bed facing each other while taking turns sharing about your day or your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  It can look like hugging first thing in the morning or holding hands while sitting near each other on the couch.  It can also be your partner taking on a feeding or two during the night so that you can get some rest or telling her that you will do the laundry or dishes while she takes a nap. This helps foster a sense of partnership and leads to feeling closer to each other.  Partners - words of affirmation can also lead to closeness and intimacy.  This can involve reminding mom daily of the strong beautiful body she has that endured such an incredible feat.  

We've heard of mom's feeling "touched out", what does this mean?

Feeling touched out is a very real and common feeling after having a baby attached to you all day.  Initiate physical intimacy with your partner when you want to be physical and take advantage of those moments.  Mornings or nap times might feel more doable than waiting until you are exhausted at the end of the day.  Offering mom a back massage to help ease stress or tension could be a great way to enter into physical intimacy.  If you can ask a trusted friend, family member, or babysitter for at least a couple of hours a week to get out of the house and spend time with your partner, you will regain a sense of connection and autonomy.  It's important to also provide your partner with opportunities to take time to still practice activities that she loves such as painting, writing, reading, baking etc.  It will be difficult to feel the energy to do these things or remember to.  It will most likely take someone to tell mom - let me take care of things for a few hours if you'd like to work on something else.  

What can we do now to prepare our relationship for the unknowns of postpartum before we are in the thick of it?  How might becoming parents provide opportunities to fall more in love?

The fact is, unknowns will arise regardless of preparation, and "the thick of it" will be challenging.  Communication will be crucial.  Tell your partner how you are feeling.  We are incredibly strong and able to feed, grow, and give birth to a baby human, but that does not mean we are superwomen.  We still need help and support during this time.   Allow yourself to ask for help.  Trust others to step in and help even if their method differs from yours.  Please do not take on more than you need to. 

If you do not feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner or anyone else, please reach out to a therapist.  Holding it in and taking it all on yourself will indefinitely make things more challenging and feel very alone.  Lean on your support system - talk to other moms, join a mom group.  Build this support system while you're pregnant, if you can.  Connecting and relating with others going through the same stage can be extremely helpful.  

There will be so many different types of moments after baby.  You may feel pure joy staring at your new little human that you both created, or you may find that both you and your partner are completely exhausted and tapped out, you may even find yourselves on opposite sides of the team at times.  The important thing is that you try to come together at the end of the day, let go of the need to be right, and offer each other grace and understanding as you navigate this new stage of life together.  Lean into those joyful moments as much as you can.  Look at pictures and videos together, remember to still date each other if possible.  Even if all of these things are still too challenging, at least know that the deeper love will come if you do not give up and remember the foundation of love that you have for each other.

Thanks to Cailtyn Caldwell for this helpful advice. If you are interested in hearing about how she could support you on your journey, reach out at Caitlyn.c@talktherapycenter.org

I also want to share this free resource I have created to help pre-baby couples prepare together for the immediate postpartum period.

Free Postpartum Preparation Booklet